For several years I’ve made sporadic efforts at
resuming a consistent effort at blogging. Last year my “excuse” for this failure was the fallout from heart surgery in
February.
This year I don’t have any
real reason other than a lack of
discipline to make this an important part of each day.
Recently, I had been musing
on the question of whether my “close encounter with death” had resulted in any permanent changes in attitude
and behavior.
I have concluded that there is very little “dramatic”
change – probably because, for many years, (in general) I have been pursuing the
idea described in a blog post a couple
of weeks ago that
“We
should not wait for (or expect) a major
event to cause changes that make our lives better change to fully live" because Christ gives us the ability to change to live
fully in whatever circumstances exist in our life."
I have been aware for a long
time of a number of “deficiencies” in my attitudes and behaviors that have
limited my relationships and ability to
break free from my worldly nature and “be transformed by the renewal of your
(my) mind, that by testing you (I)may discern what is the will of God, what
is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans
12:2
I have (through
faith) been making efforts to allow the
transforming nature of the Spirit work on me.
These deeply ingrained behaviors do not die easily and there is
often a lot of “2steps forward – 1 step
back” and even on occasion “1 Step forward – 2 steps back”. Of course,
significant “trauma” can serve to bring these things into focus and provide a
renewed commitment to change but, if
dramatic change were “easy”, it is likely I would already have made those changes.
So I conclude
that there is no “Damascus road”
change in my attitudes of behaviors.
Having said that
after 1 year I see the
following “long term” changes
1.
I am less obsessive about my failures to follow
through on “big ideas”. For example, in the past I would beat up on myself and
neglect other important things to chase a “dream” such as developing a “meaningful”
blog with connections to a community of bloggers with a similar focus
and writings that had meaning and worth to a group of readers. And in this obsessive pursuit I would in
fact fail and the
ripple effect of neglecting other things would create a huge depressing ring of failures.
Today I can accept I’m simply not ready to do that and let it go until
such a time as I believe I am ready to
dedicate the time needed and in doing
that I am remaining more focused on other important things and reducing
that sense of “never getting anything completed”.
2.
I am more prone to depression and procrastination.
I don’t know whether it is a lack of energy as a residual effect of the surgery
(in which case this may get better); the long, brutal winter (in which case spring
will help) or if it is the other side of the
coin from point 1 – namely, a bit of “what’s the use”; I can’t do all
the things I dream of so I’ll just sit
around and read and play games because those give immediate “wins” (but in the
long run are depressing way to live).
In any case I’m going to take a "sabbatical" “sign off” for an indeterminate period. (and I hope it doesn't mean that I'll take this a permission to just lie around :))
This is a change since previously I've more or less just stopped without any acknowledgement that I was doing so .
Perhaps at some point I will see
a way clear to dedicate time
to a “purposeful” blog and will resume again
God Bless "until we meet again"
Charlie
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