Friday, March 14, 2014

Sabbatical again (on purpose this time)

For several years I’ve made sporadic efforts at resuming a consistent effort at blogging. Last year my “excuse” for  this failure was  the fallout from heart surgery in February.    

This year I don’t have any real reason other than a lack of  discipline to make this an important part of each day. 

Recently, I had been musing on the question of whether my “close encounter with death” had  resulted in any permanent changes in attitude and behavior.

I have concluded that there is very little “dramatic” change – probably because, for many years,  (in general) I have been pursuing  the idea  described in a blog post a couple of weeks ago that

“We should not wait for (or expect)  a major event to cause changes that make our lives better change to fully live"  because  Christ gives us the ability to change to live fully in whatever circumstances exist in our life."

I have been aware for a long time  of a number of “deficiencies”   in my attitudes and behaviors that have limited  my relationships and ability to break free  from my worldly nature and  be transformed by the renewal of your  (my) mind, that by testing you  (I)may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

I have  (through faith) been making  efforts to allow the transforming nature of the Spirit work on me.  These deeply ingrained behaviors do not die easily and there is often  a lot of “2steps forward – 1 step back” and even on occasion “1 Step forward – 2 steps back”. Of course, significant “trauma” can serve to bring these things into focus and provide a renewed commitment to change  but, if dramatic change were “easy”,  it is likely  I would already have made those changes. 

So I conclude  that  there is no “Damascus road” change  in my attitudes of behaviors.

Having said that  after 1 year I  see the following  “long term” changes

1.     I am less obsessive about my failures to follow through on “big ideas”. For example, in the past I would beat up on myself and neglect other important things to chase a “dream” such as developing a “meaningful” blog  with connections to a  community of bloggers with a similar focus and  writings that had  meaning and worth to a group of readers.  And in this obsessive pursuit I would in fact  fail  and the  ripple effect of neglecting other things would  create a huge depressing ring of failures.

Today I can accept I’m simply not ready to do that and let it go until such a time as I believe I am ready to  dedicate the time needed and in doing  that I am remaining more focused on other important things and reducing that sense of “never getting anything completed”.

2.   I am more prone to depression and procrastination. I don’t know whether it is a lack of energy as a residual effect of the surgery (in which case  this may  get better); the  long, brutal winter (in which case spring will help) or if it is the other side of the  coin from point 1 – namely, a bit of “what’s the use”; I can’t do all the  things I dream of so I’ll just sit around and read and play games because those give immediate “wins” (but in the long run are depressing way to live).

In any case  I’m going to take a "sabbatical"  “sign off”  for an indeterminate period. (and I hope it doesn't mean that I'll take this a permission to just lie around :))

 This is a change since previously I've  more or less just stopped without any acknowledgement that I was doing so .

Perhaps at some point  I will  see a way clear to  dedicate  time  to a “purposeful” blog and will resume again

God Bless "until we meet again"

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