When I first became an elder at the church her father was
one of the other elders (he is now 90+
and retired as an elder over 10 years ago). Her mother served as a Bible teacher for many years and had one of the most
amazing abilities to recognize a Bible quote and give Chapter & verse of anyone
I’ve ever known – her health has deteriorated and she has lost some of her “edge” but still can outdo many in that
regard.
The first funeral was in Thessalon (an hour drive one-way) at 10 a.m. and the
second was here at 3:00. For the second I had a role (prayer & scripture
reading) which was a little more demanding and stressful .
By Saturday night I was ready to crash and we spent the
evening watching a couple of movies via Netflix.
This morning I found out that my consult with the cardiac
surgeon is this Thursday .
This leads me back to my ”beginnings and endings” theme . In the first
two parts I set some context that had already lead me to thinking more
and more about my own mortality and the need to be prepared “for the worst” while
always (with an acknowledgement of ‘if the Lord is willing’) planning for the best.
Finding out about my heart problems, and sitting in these
funerals , listening to the tributes certainly has increased my thinking about ‘endings’
and, in a way, has made my thinking
about these things over that past year seem
“good”. (perhaps an example of
the good that can be found in ‘bad’ things as described in Romans 8:28)
So far I’ve talked mostly about endings - the endings of lives
– and the ending of my (almost 70 year) run of “perfect health.
Today I want talk about the response to those endings –
those losses that “hit us like a ton of bricks”.
I have often reflected before on the fact that it seemed
these things so often happened to others
and I was thankful (and oddly at times felt guilty) that they didn’t
happen to me.
It seems that over the past several years “endings” have been a more frequent and closer to home. Being reminded of the
fleeting nature of life me led to a my
renewed commitment for 2013 to “Live in
the now as if it’s the last day while at the same time making plans for the future” .
In part 2, I
described some of the events that led
to an echocardiogram last Tuesday and
finding out that I have I have a “very
tight” (diseased) aortic valve.
I remember hearing the Doctor say those words
“ “It needs to be replaced – I’m referring you to a surgeon”
“You are have a 10
times increase in the risk of “sudden cardiac death”
(that seemed very
blunt – couldn’t he have softened it by
saying cardiac failure – but I
understand he needs to speak the truth and the truth is that the risk is 10
times higher for me than for someone with no heart disease (and other risk
factors) )
Now this is certainly less of a loss than a wife learning
that her husband has died or a parent learning that their child has died. I
know that – and I can’t really imagine how much of a shock that must be. But it still ranks up there as a serious loss
– after all I was the one that never had a hint of serious illness – I thought
that would last forever (or at least for another 20 or 30 years.
But that was before –
now I was “vincible” (actually I started to say “I was no longer invincible” and
wondered if vincible was a word – it is!!)
Conventional wisdom in my circles would be that I would be
go through the Kubler-Ross stages of grief .
You know the stages known by the acronym DABDA;
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
(As
an aside – and I think I may do a post on this sometime soon – when looking up the
Kubler-Ross model I discovered that there are some competing models for how people deal with loss which may
better represent what I’ve been experiencing over the past week)
I can honestly say that it wasn’t shocking – I didn’t feel
any terror or panic or denial (saying it
can’t be I want a second opinion – etc.) in fact I don’t think I’m experiencing anger, that
I’ve thought of bargaining, that I’ve
been or will be depressed (a least not in a major way) –,.
I wanted to know
about this disease and the surgical options – I wanted to be prepared
and do my part so I can “hope for” (Biblical usage – meaning
confidently expect) the best possible outcome and I want to be
prepared for the worst and this means I
want to get my affairs in order “just in case”. So I have researched these things
and made a renewed effort to “get my affairs in order” -- you know “plan for
the worst and hope for the best”
So I think I’ve
moved immediately to acceptance – and
action – and I have my faith in God to
thank for that. It seemed coincidental
but Linda and I had just listened to a
video from her ladie’s class that talked
about “Job’s phrase “The Lord gives
& the Lord takes away – Blessed be the name of the Lord” . I also thought
of Paul’ s statement in Phillipians “whatever state I’m in I’ve learned to be
content” – and when occasionally I sense a bit of depression or anxiety I am reminded of the man who after Jesus healed his child
said “ Lord I believe – help me in my unbelief”.
In any case my emotional response is mostly
a) sadness – the loss of my ability to say
I’m in perfect health” – the loss of my ability to “pick up and go” – the loss
of my ability to step up if someone needs a hand to move something, to help a
neighbor dig out of the snow, to take a
day and go skiing with my daughter when she comes home next weekend
b) disappointment (a bit irrational
because it’s not my fault – and it’s
out of my control) but none the less disappointment – I have failed Linda, my
family and others around me because I
can no longer say “I’m available and able to do whatever needs to be done” (well of course
I’m not superman and that “whatever” had limitations of strength and skills –
but it is (for now) severely restricted.
It is really tough to not be able to snowblow the driveway or go for a brisk
walk in the snow lined trails on a crisp
sunny day.
c) Impatience – let’s get on with this –
and that too is a bit irrational since things are falling together and moving along very
quickly so far
God Bless
Charlie
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